Sticky (Tova O’Brien) puts Simon in a sticky situation before Caucus Coup
On the eve of the National Party Caucus coup, Sticky stuck a mandible clean through Simon Bridges’ super chilled chi – by revealing to the Nation that Nick Smith had gone tropical on his arse.
Old Bung Eye Smith felt passed over and did a Section 8 rant to the media about how Simon was a blithering idiot or words to that effect.
Sticky had more than one sticky stick stuck into National and she wasted no time revealing that several ( half a dozen ) other disgruntled National MPs were also fizzing at the bung.
Sticky the Queen of Scandal was right there again, presiding over the dramatic side show as National dumped shit all over itself.
OMG what is that smell?
The six shitty Nat MPs had apparently all contacted her at the same time – according to Sticky which could only mean one thing.
They thought they had the numbers to topple the Glorious Loyder and had co-ordinated this hit to set the hounds of the press upon Simon tomorrow.
“But who would take his place?” – asked everyone in one voice.
“Nobody, they are all useless.” – replied everyone in one voice.
National could not have a coup because they’re all useless.
Steam gushed from the fissures as Simon rang around for support and prepared his statement :
“Everyting is perfect. Eye have da full support of moi colleagues and yoos don’t know nuffin. Labour done it. Wot about dem?”
Cameras will be on the spot tomorrow as the usual bullshit unity tight lipped show plays out.
Simeon Brown will step out of a cab and say “no Comment” on his way to the back stabbing meeting as seagulls scream :
“Do you support the Glorious Loyder Simeon Brown?”
Each National MP will run the same gauntlet.
Pullya Benefit will say of course Simon has her support and refuse to say anymore like Don King before a title fight.
Jude the ripper will avoid all questions, just like she avoids sunlight and garlic, but her thin Joker’s lip will curl just a little.
Todd McClay will look like a bunny rabbit with no carrot.
Because that is what he really is.
Mark Mitchell will wonder if his time has come – like every delusional slow talking muppet you’ve ever met and been bored to death by at a party.
Gerry Brownlee will roll over anything in his way.
Grim National MPs will look to the sky as if they are deep in thought – and push past a flock of squabbling seagulls walking backwards before them.
Media will feel like they are doing something news worthy as they hype the speculation and squark about with no necks, screaming for a scrap of bread.
A door will close on the flocking press – as they are locked out.
The seagulls will stand around like the fish got away.
That weird staring thing.
Sticky will be getting stuck in on her cellphone – and stick her head far up the colon of the scandal looking for a scoop.
Meanwhile – the Government will be working hard on the economic recovery plan and how to help the people of New Zealand stay safe and remain able to pay their bills.
Nobody in the press will give a shit about that.
The clock will tick like a slow motion sledge hammer and everyone will watch that door – slack jawed – to see if white or black smoke comes out of that room.
Will Simon emerge victorious, bathed in glory, the Proyme Munsta in waiting – with 100% Nat support?
Will Nick Smith split like a rotten tomato, skin and juice everywhere?
That depends a great deal on the lobbying tonight.
Somebody is sharpening an axe, someone is heating a saucepan, and someone is taking the butter out of the fridge.
Pitch forks and salt at dawn.
The skin is going to come off.
The phones are running hot tonight behind the scenes – as Simon boils water and promises mountains of gold for loyalty – while Sticky twists the knife like a sticky little bug.
What faction will win as the den of crooks and thieves claw at each others faces?
Not even Sticky knows yet.
The politics of scandal.
Nothing to do with a better New Zealand.
Everything to do with self interest.
What a sticky situation.
Sticky puts Simon in a sticky situation before Caucus Coup